Relationships: 'Unconditional Love'

Conversations overheard on the bus tend to spark me.  They don't always light, but a little dialog flint-and-tinder wisps off in my lap when I hear people in front of me chatting.  Today two girls were sitting together and talking love, as we are all wont to do.  And one of them, probably in her early twenties or late teens, turned to her friend and said the following words [Arlo Guthrie style]:

"Real love is unconditional."

This concept is not new to me.  Many people have said and written and shouted it in my space over the years, and I don't generally have a verbal response.  Perhaps this is due to the shameful inner voice that pipes up immediately upon its utterance.

Mine sure isn't.



At least, not in a romantic context.  And it is truly baffling to me that anyone thinks theirs is.  'Unconditional' is one of those very black-and-white words that seems to get periodically dunked in grey by our dialect, but it has a very clear contextual meaning: that there is nothing - literally nothing - that your partner could do to cause your feelings for them to dissipate.  And on the flip side of the coin, that if your partner truly loves you, they will forgive any and all foibles, indiscretions or downright villainous exploits on your part.  Perhaps I am alone in thinking that this is absolutely crazeballs.


Relationships are nothing more than a series of conditions the individuals entering into them place upon one another to display their feelings.  I'm sure there is a better way to express the concept, but the sacrifice of conditionality is certainly central to the whole relationship thing.

One condition so common it practically defines A Relationship goes thusly: I will not put my mouth/any other part of my body on on someone else's mouth/any other part of their body as long as you and I are engaged in this contract.  We call it monogamy, and it is by definition a restriction.  See subset: a condition.  Those who choose not to follow this simplest plan often have a much more complex and tightly negotiated web of conditions that dictate OK and Not OK when it comes to other partners.

But what can you say instead?  Nothing nearly as pithy: as usual, reality resists simplicity.  But you could try real love enhances the ability to forgive, if you're interested in the capacity of the cheated-upon to return to their straying partners.  Or real love transcends the irritation we feel on a daily basis for the human Other, for those day-to-day compromises when they want mac-and-cheese and you made stir-fry.  Romantic love is many many wonderful things, but unconditional isn't one of them.  At least, not the healthy kind.

Cheers
Julia